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Step-by-step guide
Level: IntermediateMotivational Interviewing Conversations
Most of us try to help people change by explaining why they should. Motivational Interviewing (MI), developed by psychologists William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick, takes a different path: people are far more likely to change for their own reasons, and those reasons are often already there, waiting to be heard.
This guide turns a few of those ideas into steps you can use with a spouse, a grown child, a parent, or a friend who feels two ways about a change. It is not clinical training or therapy. To learn more, read our summary of Motivational Interviewing.
Before you start
- For everyday conversations with people you care about, about changes they feel two ways about: sleep, exercise, screen time, work, money, habits.
- Never a way to pressure or trick someone. MI is only helpful, and only fair, when it serves the other person's goals. If you notice yourself steering toward your own agenda, go back to step 1.
- Not a substitute for professional care. If you're worried about someone's safety, drinking, drug use, or mental health, gently encourage them to talk with a licensed professional. You can still listen well while they do.
- Go slowly. You don't need every step in one talk. Many good conversations are only steps 3 and 4.
The steps
Take one step at a time. You can stop, skip a step, or come back another day.
Step 1: Check your own aim first
Before you say anything, ask yourself what you want from this talk. MI only works when you're on the other person's side and the choice stays theirs. Notice your urge to fix, warn, or argue for the "right" answer. The book calls that urge the righting reflex. It comes from love, and it usually makes people defend the very thing you hope they'll change.
Things to say
- To yourself: "My job is to understand, not to win."
- To yourself: "This is their life and their decision."
Practice
Think of one person you'd like to talk with. Write one sentence about what you hope for them, not what you want them to do.
Write your response
Think of one person you'd like to talk with. Write one sentence about what you hope for *them*, not what you want them to do.
Step 2: Ask permission and pick a good moment
Choose a calm, private time when neither of you is rushed. Ask if they're open to talking, and accept a "not now." Asking first tells the other person they're in charge of the conversation, which lowers the guard right away.
Things to say
- "Would you be up for talking about how things have been going with work?"
- "I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'd just like to understand how you see it."
- "No pressure. We can talk another time if that's better."
Practice
Next time a topic matters to you, try asking "Is now an okay time to talk about…?" before you start.
Write your response
Next time a topic matters to you, try asking "Is now an okay time to talk about…?" before you start.
Step 3: Ask open questions
Use questions that can't be answered with yes or no. Questions starting with "what," "how," or "tell me about" invite the person to think out loud. Go easy on "why" questions, which can sound like blame. Ask one question, then stop and let them answer, even if there's a pause.
Things to say
- "How have things been for you lately with this?"
- "What do you like about how things are now?"
- "What, if anything, worries you about it?"
Practice
In your next ordinary conversation, swap one yes-or-no question for a "what" or "how" question and notice what changes.
Write your response
In your next ordinary conversation, swap one yes-or-no question for a "what" or "how" question and notice what changes.
Step 4: Reflect back what you hear
A reflection is a short statement, not a question, that offers your best guess at what they mean. It shows you're listening and lets them hear their own thoughts. Keep your voice going down at the end so it sounds like understanding, not doubt. When someone feels two ways, reflect both sides joined with "and." A good rhythm is about two reflections for every question.
Things to say
- "You're feeling stretched pretty thin."
- "Part of you is tired of people bringing this up, and part of you wonders if they have a point."
- "So it's not that you don't care. It's that nothing has fit your schedule so far."
Practice
For three minutes, answer a friend using only reflections, no questions or advice. Afterward, ask them how it felt to be listened to that way.
Write your response
For three minutes, answer a friend using only reflections, no questions or advice. Afterward, ask them how it felt to be listened to that way.
Step 5: Affirm real strengths
Point out something genuinely good that you see: an effort, a value, a skill. Make it specific and true. This isn't flattery or "good job." People are more willing to look at change when they feel capable rather than criticized.
Things to say
- "You've kept trying even after a hard few months. That takes real persistence."
- "It's clear how much you care about your kids."
- "You know yourself well enough to know what won't work. That helps."
Practice
Write down one specific, true strength you've seen in the person you want to talk with. Plan to say it out loud.
Write your response
Write down one specific, true strength you've seen in the person you want to talk with. Plan to say it out loud.
Step 6: Listen for their own reasons to change
When people talk about change, they mix "I want to," "I could," "I need to" with "but." Anything that leans toward change is what MI calls change talk. When you hear it, slow down and ask for more. A simple 0 to 10 scale helps: ask how important the change is to them, then ask why their number isn't lower. That invites them to name their own reasons instead of defending the status quo.
Things to say
- "On a scale of 0 to 10, how important is this to you right now?"
- "Why a 5 and not a 2?"
- "What would be different if you did make a change?"
- "Tell me more about that."
Practice
Listen to a friend talk about any goal and quietly count the "I want to" and "I could" statements. Reflect one of them back.
Write your response
Listen to a friend talk about any goal and quietly count the "I want to" and "I could" statements. Reflect one of them back.
Step 7: Offer ideas only with permission
MI doesn't ban advice. It changes how you give it. First ask what they already know or have tried. Then ask if they'd like an idea. Share it briefly, as one option among many. Then ask what they make of it. They stay the expert on their own life.
Things to say
- "What have you already tried?"
- "Would it be okay if I shared something that's helped other people?"
- "That may or may not fit you. What do you think?"
Practice
The next time you're about to give advice, ask "Would you like an idea, or would you rather just think out loud?" first.
Write your response
The next time you're about to give advice, ask "Would you like an idea, or would you rather just think out loud?" first.
Step 8: If they push back, step back
Arguing, interrupting, or "you don't get it" is a sign to change what you're doing, not proof the person is difficult. Stop pushing. Reflect what they're feeling, own any part you played, and hand control back. Usually the connection repairs within a sentence or two.
Things to say
- "You're right, I've been doing a lot of the talking. I'm sorry."
- "It feels like I'm pushing, and you don't like that."
- "This really is your call. Nobody can decide this for you."
Practice
Think back to a talk that turned into an argument. Write one sentence you could have said to step back.
Write your response
Think back to a talk that turned into an argument. Write one sentence you could have said to step back.
Step 9: Sum it up and let them choose the next step
Gather what you've heard into a short summary, leaning on the reasons for change they named in step 6. Then ask a key question and let them decide. If they're not ready, that's fine. Thank them for talking. A good conversation now makes the next one easier. If they are ready, help them pick one small, specific step they own.
Things to say
- "Let me see if I've got it. You're worried about your back, you want to keep up with your daughter, and big plans haven't lasted. Did I miss anything?"
- "Where does that leave you?"
- "What feels like a realistic first step, if any?"
- "Thanks for talking with me about this."
Practice
Practice one summary out loud after your next real conversation: three things they said, then "Did I miss anything?"
Write your response
Practice one summary out loud after your next real conversation: three things they said, then "Did I miss anything?"
Related and next steps
Based on ideas from Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick (The Guilford Press). This guide is an original KPC Healing write-up for education, and is not endorsed by the authors or publisher. Read our book summary for the bigger picture.
Educational only. Not a substitute for care from a licensed professional. We don't store anything you read or think about here. Read our privacy policy.
Last updated October 2026.
This guide is educational and isn't therapy or a substitute for professional care. If you feel overwhelmed, stop and reach out to a licensed professional or a KPC Healing provider.
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