How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

The steps

Go at your own pace. Each step has a few things to say and one small thing to practice.

1. 1

   Step 1: Get calm before you talk

   If you're angry or scared, your child will hear the tone more than the words. Take a breath, get a drink of water, or wait a few minutes. It's okay to say you need a moment. Coming back calm is a skill your child is learning by watching you.

   Things to say

   • "I'm too upset to talk well right now. Let's try again in ten minutes."
   • "Give me a second to think."

   Practice

   The next time you feel yourself about to snap, try saying "I need a minute" and step away briefly.

   Write your response

   The next time you feel yourself about to snap, try saying "I need a minute" and step away briefly.

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2. 2

   Step 2: Listen fully, and name the feeling

   When your child or teen is upset, put down your phone and turn toward them. Hold back advice, logic, and "you shouldn't feel that way." Use small sounds like "Oh" or "Hmm," and put a name to the feeling you hear. With little ones, one or two words is enough. Then wait.

   Things to say

   • "Oh. That sounds really frustrating."
   • "You're mad your tower fell down."
   • "Sounds like practice was rough today."

   Practice

   Once today, when your child complains, reply with a feeling word before anything else.

   Write your response

   Once today, when your child complains, reply with a feeling word before anything else.

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3. 3

   Step 3: Accept the feeling, set a limit on the behavior

   All feelings are allowed. Not all actions are. You can welcome the anger and still stop the hitting, or accept the disappointment and still keep the curfew. Saying the feeling out loud often makes the limit easier to hear.

   Things to say

   • "You're really angry at your brother. I won't let you hit. You can tell him with words, or stomp outside."
   • "You wish you could stay out later. The answer is still eleven."

   Practice

   Pick one rule that causes fights at home. Write a sentence that names the feeling first and the limit second.

   Write your response

   Pick one rule that causes fights at home. Write a sentence that names the feeling first and the limit second.

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4. 4

   Step 4: Describe the problem, not the person

   Labels like "lazy" or "selfish" make kids defend themselves. Describing what you see points attention at the problem. Other tools from the book: give information, say it in one word, share how you feel, or leave a short, friendly note. Use "I" statements for your own feelings.

   Things to say

   • "I see wet towels on the floor."
   • "Milk goes sour when it's left out."
   • "Dishes!"
   • "I'm worried when I don't know where you are. I need a text if plans change."

   Practice

   For one evening, notice each time you want to criticize. Swap one for a plain description of what you see.

   Write your response

   For one evening, notice each time you want to criticize. Swap one for a plain description of what you see.

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5. 5

   Step 5: Offer choices you can live with

   Children and teens cooperate more when they have some say. Offer two or three options you're truly fine with. For teens, the choices can be bigger and the details more theirs.

   Things to say

   • "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after pajamas?"
   • "You can do homework now or right after dinner. Which works better?"
   • "The car needs gas before tomorrow. When will you fill it up?"

   Practice

   Turn one daily instruction into a choice between two good options.

   Write your response

   Turn one daily instruction into a choice between two good options.

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6. 6

   Step 6: Ask about the plan, not the failure

   "Why didn't you…?" mostly gets excuses. A forward-looking question puts your child in charge of solving it and gives you useful information.

   Things to say

   • "What got in the way, and what's your plan for tonight?"
   • "What would help you remember next time?"
   • "What do you need from me, if anything?"

   Practice

   The next time something doesn't get done, ask "What's your plan?" instead of "Why?"

   Write your response

   The next time something doesn't get done, ask "What's your plan?" instead of "Why?"

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7. 7

   Step 7: Solve repeating problems together

   For problems that keep coming back, sit down together at a calm time. Hear their feelings and needs first. Share yours briefly. Write down every idea either of you has, even silly ones, with no judging yet. Then pick the ones you can both live with, try the plan, and check back in. Even a young child can help brainstorm while you do the writing.

   Things to say

   • "We keep fighting about screen time. I want to hear your side first."
   • "Let's write down every idea, even the silly ones."
   • "Which of these could we both live with?"
   • "Let's try it for a week and see how it goes."

   Practice

   Pick one repeating conflict and hold one short problem-solving talk this week. Keep the list of ideas.

   Write your response

   Pick one repeating conflict and hold one short problem-solving talk this week. Keep the list of ideas.

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8. 8

   Step 8: Free them from labels

   Kids can get stuck in roles like "the messy one" or "the difficult one." Look for moments that show a different side and say them out loud, simply and specifically. Over time, children start to see themselves the way you describe them.

   Things to say

   • "You stuck with that project until it was done, even when it got boring."
   • "I noticed you helped your sister without being asked."

   Practice

   Catch one moment this week that doesn't fit your child's usual "role," and name it.

   Write your response

   Catch one moment this week that doesn't fit your child's usual "role," and name it.

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