Building Trust

The steps

Take one step at a time. Most people return to these steps more than once.

1. 1

   Step 1: Name what you're trusting them with

   Henry Cloud describes trust as confidence that someone will look after something that matters to you. So start by naming the "something." Trust is rarely all or nothing. You might trust a friend with a secret but not with a loan, or a coworker with a deadline but not with a big client.

   Things to say

   • To yourself: "What exactly am I trusting this person with?"
   • "I'd like to talk about how we handle money, specifically."

   Practice

   Pick one relationship. Write down one area where trust is strong and one where it feels shaky.

   Write your response

   Pick one relationship. Write down one area where trust is strong and one where it feels shaky.

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2. 2

   Step 2: Check the five essentials

   Cloud names five things to look for before trusting someone with something important. Understanding: do they get what you need? Motive: are they for you, not only for themselves? Ability: can they actually deliver? Character: does their honesty and makeup fit this responsibility? Track record: have they followed through over time? Base your answer on what you've seen, not only on a gut feeling.

   Things to say

   • To yourself: "Which of the five is strong here, and which one is missing?"
   • "Can you tell me what you think I need from you on this?"

   Practice

   Rate one important relationship from 1 to 5 on each essential. Circle the lowest one. That's where to focus.

   Write your response

   Rate one important relationship from 1 to 5 on each essential. Circle the lowest one. That's where to focus.

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3. 3

   Step 3: Turn the check around on yourself

   Trust runs both ways. Ask the same five questions about yourself. Where might someone have a hard time trusting you? This isn't about blame. It's about seeing your part clearly, so you can earn trust as well as give it.

   Things to say

   • To yourself: "Have I shown this person that I understand what they need?"
   • "Is there anything I do that makes it harder for you to rely on me?"

   Practice

   Choose one essential where you could do better with someone close to you, and one small way to show it this week.

   Write your response

   Choose one essential where you could do better with someone close to you, and one small way to show it this week.

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4. 4

   Step 4: After a hurt, separate three decisions

   Cloud treats forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust as three different things. Forgiveness is about the past: letting go of the debt. Reconciliation is bringing the relationship back into good standing. Trust is about the future, and it has to be earned again. You can forgive fully and still wait to trust.

   Things to say

   • To yourself: "Am I willing to forgive? Is reconciliation possible? How much trust is wise right now?"
   • "I'm working on forgiving you. Trusting you again will take some time."

   Practice

   Write the three questions above on paper and answer each one separately for a hurt you're carrying.

   Write your response

   Write the three questions above on paper and answer each one separately for a hurt you're carrying.

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5. 5

   Step 5: If you caused the hurt, apologize fully

   A good apology names what you did, shows you understand how it affected the other person, and says what you'll do differently. Skip the excuses and the "but." Then remember Cloud's point: an apology looks back, and trust looks forward. Your changed actions over time are what rebuild it.

   Things to say

   • "I lied to you about where the money went. I can see that it made you feel foolish and alone."
   • "Here's what I'm going to do differently."
   • "I don't expect you to trust me right away. I'll show you over time."

   Practice

   Draft an apology for something small you've done. Check that it has all three parts and no "but."

   Write your response

   Draft an apology for something small you've done. Check that it has all three parts and no "but."

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6. 6

   Step 6: Look for real signs of change

   Instead of guessing whether someone has changed, look for things you can see. Cloud's signs include: an honest admission that change is needed, a structured way of changing, help from skilled outside people, new skills, motivation that doesn't depend on being watched, and openness to questions. Serious breaks are hard for two people to repair alone, so outside support is a good sign, not a bad one.

   Things to say

   • "What are you doing differently now?"
   • "Who's helping you with this?"
   • "Is it okay if I ask questions when I'm unsure?"

   Practice

   List two or three signs that would show you real change in a relationship where trust was broken.

   Write your response

   List two or three signs that would show you real change in a relationship where trust was broken.

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7. 7

   Step 7: Give trust back in small steps

   Trust grows through repeated, reliable experiences. Extend a little, watch what happens, and increase it as the track record grows. If the small step goes well, take a slightly bigger one. If it doesn't, you've learned something without risking everything.

   Things to say

   • "Let's start with this, and see how it goes."
   • "That went well. I'm ready to try a bit more."

   Practice

   Choose one small, low-risk way to extend trust this week, and notice what happens.

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   Choose one small, low-risk way to extend trust this week, and notice what happens.

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8. 8

   Step 8: Agree on what "better" looks like

   Vague hopes lead to guessing and disappointment. Agree together on clear, observable signs of progress, and set a time to check in. This works in marriages, families, and teams alike.

   Things to say

   • "What would "better" look like in a month, so we'd both notice?"
   • "Can we check in on this every Sunday evening?"

   Practice

   Write down one observable sign of progress with someone, and put a check-in on your calendar.

   Write your response

   Write down one observable sign of progress with someone, and put a check-in on your calendar.

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9. 9

   Step 9: Strengthen your own trust muscle

   Sometimes the hard part isn't the other person. Past hurts can make trust feel risky with everyone. Cloud encourages giving trust wisely: to the right people, in the right amounts, for the right things. Notice people who have earned it, and let yourself lean on them a little.

   Things to say

   • To yourself: "Who in my life has a strong track record with me?"
   • "I'd like your help with this. I trust you with it."

   Practice

   Name one trustworthy person and one small thing you could let them help you with.

   Write your response

   Name one trustworthy person and one small thing you could let them help you with.

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