Gottman-Inspired Couples Conversation

The steps

Take your time. You can pause on any step, skip any prompt, or stop whenever you want.

1. 1

   Step 1: Get ready together

   Choose a time when neither of you is hungry, rushed, or exhausted, and when you won't be interrupted. Put phones away. Sit where you can see each other. Agree on a simple break signal, like a hand in a "T" or a word such as "pause," that either of you can use at any time, no questions asked.

   Options

   1. 1)A hand signal, like a "T" for time-out.
   2. 2)A word, like "pause" or "break."
   3. 3)A gentle touch on the arm, if you're both comfortable with that.

   • If you both feel safe and willing, go to step 2.
   • If either of you feels pressured, afraid, or unsafe, stop here. Don't continue together. See "Important considerations" above, and reach out on your own to a licensed professional.
   • If you're both just tense or tired, pick another time, or try step 2 and decide again.

   Things to say

   • "Is now a good time for both of us, or should we pick another time?"
   • "What's our break signal?"

   If it's difficult

   If one of you isn't ready

   • That's fine. Agree on another time that works for both of you.
   • Respect a "not now." Pushing usually makes the talk harder.
2. 2

   Step 2: Settle in

   Take a minute to calm your bodies before you talk. Breathe in slowly through your nose and out in a long breath, three times. Some couples like to hold hands. If faith is part of your life, you might say a short prayer together, asking for patience and kindness.

   Options

   1. 1)Three slow breaths together.
   2. 2)Holding hands quietly for a minute.
   3. 3)A short prayer, if faith is part of your life.

   • When you both feel settled, go to step 3.
   • If one of you still feels stirred up, take a few more slow breaths, step outside for a minute, or have a glass of water. Then go to step 2 again.

   Things to say

   • "Do you feel calm enough to start?"

   If it's difficult

   If you can't settle

   • Take a short walk together first, side by side, without talking about anything heavy. Then try again.
3. 3

   Step 3: Update your love maps

   Gottman uses "love maps" to describe how well you know each other's inner world. Take turns asking each other two or three questions. The listener's only job is to be curious. No problem-solving, no debating.

   • When you've each had a turn, go to step 4.
   • If an answer surprises or stings, say "Thanks for telling me," and make a note to come back to it another time. Then go to step 4.

   Things to say

   • "What's been on your mind most this week?"
   • "What's one thing you're looking forward to?"
   • "Is there anything stressing you that I might not know about?"
   • "If you had a free Saturday, how would you want to spend it?"

   If it's difficult

   If the answers are short

   • That's okay. Some people warm up slowly. Ask a lighter question, like "What made you laugh this week?"
4. 4

   Step 4: Share appreciation

   Fondness and admiration are part of the foundation in Gottman's work. Each of you shares two or three specific things you appreciate about the other. Be concrete: "Thank you for getting up with the baby on Tuesday so I could sleep" lands better than "You're great."

   • When you've both shared, go to step 5.
   • If it feels awkward, that's normal. Start with something small and recent, then go to step 5.

   Things to say

   • "Something you did this week that I really appreciated was..."
   • "One thing I admire about you is..."
   • "A favorite memory of us is..."

   If it's difficult

   If you can't think of anything right now

   • Think back to when you first met, or to a time your partner showed up for you. Even one small thing counts.
   • If appreciation feels impossible right now, that's important information. Consider bringing it to a licensed professional.
5. 5

   Step 5: Pick one small issue

   Choose one small, specific issue to talk about. Aim for about 3 out of 10 in intensity, like who handles the dishes, weekend plans, or screen time at dinner. Decide together who will speak first.

   • If it's a small, practical issue that could be solved, go to step 6.
   • If it's an issue you've argued about for years and keep coming back to, it may be what Gottman calls a "perpetual problem." Go to step 9.
   • If every issue feels too big, pick something even smaller, or skip to step 11 and close for today.

   Things to say

   • "What's one small thing we could work on today?"
   • "Is this something we could actually decide on, or is it more of a long-running difference between us?"

   If it's difficult

   If you can't agree on a topic

   • Let the partner who speaks first choose this time, and the other choose next time.
   • Remember: big hurts, like betrayal, belong with a licensed professional, not in this exercise.
6. 6

   Step 6: Start gently

   The speaker raises the issue with a softened start-up: describe the situation and your feelings, then say what you need. Avoid "you always" and "you never." Keep it short.

   Options

   1. 1)Start with a feeling: "I feel..."
   2. 2)Start with an appreciation, then the request: "I love our Saturdays. Could we keep one free this month?"
   3. 3)Start with the situation only, described like a video camera would record it.

   • When the speaker has finished, go to step 7.
   • If the start-up comes out harsh, it's okay to say "Let me try that again," and restart. Then go to step 7.

   Things to say

   • "I feel ___ about ___. I need ___."
   • "I've been feeling stretched thin in the mornings. Could you help get the kids out the door twice a week?"
   • "I miss spending time with you on weekends. Could we plan one evening out this month?"

   If it's difficult

   If it keeps coming out as blame

   • Describe what happened as if a video camera recorded it, with no opinions: "The dishes were still in the sink this morning."
   • Then name one feeling word, like tired, lonely, or worried.
7. 7

   Step 7: Listen and accept influence

   The listener's job is to understand before responding. Repeat back what you heard in your own words, and ask if you got it right. Then look for a part of your partner's request you can agree with. Gottman calls this accepting influence. When you're done, switch roles and repeat steps 6 and 7.

   • If you both feel understood, go to step 10.
   • If either of you feels flooded or the talk heats up, go to step 8.
   • If you feel defensive, take a slow breath and try to find just one part of what your partner said that makes sense to you. Then continue with step 7.

   Things to say

   • "What I'm hearing is ___. Did I get that right?"
   • "That makes sense. I can see why that would bother you."
   • "You might be right about that. Tell me more."
   • "Part of what you're asking for, I can definitely do."

   If it's difficult

   If you want to defend yourself

   • That's a very normal urge. Save your side for when it's your turn to speak.
   • Taking responsibility for even a small part ("I did forget to text you") often softens the whole conversation.
8. 8

   Step 8: Pause and repair

   When either of you is flooded, with a racing heart, hot face, or a mind that's gone blank, it's very hard to listen. Use your break signal. Take at least twenty minutes apart. Do something calming, like a walk, slow breathing, or some music, and try not to replay the argument in your head. Then come back and try a repair.

   Options

   1. 1)A walk, on your own.
   2. 2)Slow breathing: in through your nose, out in a long breath.
   3. 3)Music, a shower, or a simple task like folding laundry.

   • When you've both calmed down, offer a repair, then return to step 7.
   • If the conversation has turned to insults, threats, or fear, stop. Don't continue today. See "Important considerations" above, and reach out on your own to a licensed professional.
   • If you're still too stirred up, agree to come back another day, and go to step 11.

   Things to say

   • "I'm getting overwhelmed. I need a break, and I promise I'll come back in twenty minutes."
   • "I'm sorry, that came out harsher than I meant."
   • "Can we start over?"
   • "I'm feeling defensive. Can you say that again more gently?"
   • "We're okay. I love you, even when we disagree."

   If it's difficult

   If one of you doesn't want a break

   • Respect the break signal anyway. Gottman's research suggests that pushing on while flooded rarely goes well.
   • The person who asked for the break is responsible for coming back.
9. 9

   Step 9: For a long-running difference, look for the dream

   Some differences don't get solved. They get understood. Gottman found that gridlock on a perpetual problem often hides a deeper dream, value, or story on each side. Take turns: one partner talks about what this issue means to them, and the other just listens and asks questions. No persuading. Then switch.

   • When you both feel heard, go to step 10.
   • If old hurt or strong emotion comes up, pause, breathe, and go to step 8. Consider bringing this topic to a licensed professional.

   Things to say

   • "What does this mean to you? Is there a story behind it?"
   • "Is there a dream or hope connected to how you feel about this?"
   • "What would it mean to you if things went your way on this?"
   • "What's your biggest fear about this issue?"

   If it's difficult

   If you feel stuck in the same old argument

   • Remember the goal isn't to win or to settle it forever. It's to understand each other a little better.
   • It's fine to stop after just hearing each other. That's real progress.
10. 10

    Step 10: Find something you can both live with

    Look for a small compromise or a trial, even for just a week. Each of you can name what you can't give up and where you have some flexibility. For a perpetual problem, the "solution" may simply be a kinder way to handle it when it comes up.

    • When you've agreed on a next step, go to step 11.
    • If you can't agree yet, that's okay. Agree to try again another day, and go to step 11.

    Things to say

    • "What's the part of this that matters most to you?"
    • "Where do you have a little flexibility?"
    • "Could we try this for one week and then check in?"

    If it's difficult

    If compromise feels like losing

    • Think of it as working on a problem together, rather than giving up something to each other.
    • Start smaller. A one-week trial is easier to agree to than a forever decision.
11. 11

    Step 11: Close and connect

    End on a warm note, no matter how the conversation went. Thank each other for trying. Share one more appreciation. Agree on when you'll check in about any plan you made. If faith is part of your life, you might close with a short prayer together. Write down what you want to remember.

    • If you made a plan, check in on it when you agreed to. You can come back to step 1 then.
    • If the talk was hard and you want support, consider bringing your notes to a licensed professional.

    Things to say

    • "What's one thing that went well in this talk?"
    • "Thank you for doing this with me."
    • "When should we check in on our plan?"

    If it's difficult

    If you're still upset

    • Take a walk, have something to eat, or do something light together. You don't have to resolve everything today.
    • If the same conversation keeps going badly, that's a good reason to talk with a licensed professional, such as a marriage and family therapist.