Internal Family Systems (IFS)

The steps

Take your time. You can pause on any step, skip any prompt, or stop whenever you want.

1. 1

   Step 1: Get ready

   Find a quiet spot where no one will interrupt you for about half an hour. Keep water, a pen and paper close. You can pause at any time and come back whenever you like. You do not have to finish.

   • If now is a good time, go to step 2.
   • If you don't feel settled yet, slow down. Breathe in through your nose and out in a long breath, feel your feet on the floor and look around the room. Give it a minute, then go to step 1.

   Try asking

   • "Do I feel steady enough to begin, or do I need a minute to settle first?"

   If it feels hard

   If you can't settle

   • Take your time. Begin whenever you feel ready.
   • Try a few slow breaths, or play the Calm meditation first, then decide again.
2. 2

   Step 2: Pick one small thing

   Think of something small and everyday. It could be a habit you dislike, a worry that keeps coming back, or a reaction you don't understand. Aim for about 3 out of 10 in strength. Leave big hurts for a trained therapist. Then notice where your body reacts to it, such as a tight chest or a knot in your stomach. That spot is a clue to where the part is.

   • If you have a small topic, go to step 3.
   • If everything feels too big, calm yourself first with a slow breath in through your nose, a long breath out and a hand on your chest. Pick something even smaller, then go to step 2.

   Try asking

   • "What is one small pattern I would like to understand?"
   • "Is it small enough that I can stay calm while I look at it?"
   • "Where in my body do I feel this?"

   If it feels hard

   If everything feels too big

   • Choose something even smaller, such as the urge to check your phone, or the voice that says "you should be doing more".
   • If your body shows no reaction, that is fine. Go on with the topic alone.
   • If every choice feels heavy, rest a hand on your chest and breathe slowly for a minute. Then try again with the smallest thing you can think of.
3. 3

   Step 3: Find the part

   Ask your subconscious to turn the part into an image, a voice, a feeling or a word you can communicate with. It doesn't matter what it is. Just go with whatever comes up. If nothing comes up, read your body's reaction instead: a physical sensation that gets stronger means your subconscious is not on board, and one that gets weaker means it is on board.

   A part is any inner voice or pattern, like the worrier or the critic. It may show up as:

   1. 1)An image or a shape. Use whatever comes, even if it seems silly.
   2. 2)A voice or words, like "the part that worries".
   3. 3)A feeling or a sensation in your body. Notice where it is.
   4. 4)A single word, or just a sense that someone in you does this. That is enough.

   • If something shows up, go to step 4.
   • If nothing comes up and a body sensation gets weaker when you ask, go to step 4.
   • If the sensation gets stronger, your subconscious is not on board yet. Calm it with a slow breath and a hand on the tight spot, and tell it "You're safe, there's no rush, I'm here". Give it a minute and ask again, then go to step 3.
   • If you notice nothing at all, take a slow breath, tell it there is no rush, give it a minute and ask again, then go to step 3.

   Try asking

   • "Subconscious, will you turn this part into an image, a voice, a feeling or a word?"
   • "If it had a shape, a voice or a feel, what would it be?"
   • "Where do I notice it, in me or around me?"

   If it feels hard

   If nothing comes up, read your body's reaction

   • That is common and fine. Don't force a picture.
   • Notice any sensation in your body, such as a tight spot, warmth or heaviness. Ask your subconscious to answer through it.
   • If the sensation gets stronger, your subconscious is not on board. If it gets weaker, it is on board.
   • To help it calm down, ask what would help it feel calmer and do that in your imagination. Feel your feet on the floor and look around the room.
   • A plain label like "the part that worries" is enough. You can go on to step 4 with that.
4. 4

   Step 4: How do you feel toward the part?

   Ask yourself how you feel toward this part right now. Be honest. Whatever you feel is useful to know.

   Your answer tells you what to do next:

   1. 1)Curious, open or kind. This is Self, the calm core of you. You are ready to listen.
   2. 2)Annoyed, scared, ashamed, or wanting it gone. That feeling is another part, and it is trying to help. Thank it. You will ask it to step back in step 5.

   • If you feel curious, open or kind, go to step 6.
   • If you feel annoyed, scared, ashamed or want it gone, go to step 5.

   Try asking

   • "How do I feel toward this part right now?"
   • "Is there another part that dislikes it or is afraid of it?"
   • "Would that part give me a little room, just for this exercise?"

   If it feels hard

   If a critical or scared part stays loud

   • Tell it you have heard it and that its concern matters. Then go to step 5.
   • If you feel overwhelmed instead of curious, calm yourself first: a long breath out, a hand on your chest, feet on the floor. When you feel steadier, ask again. Step 11 is always there as a soft landing.
5. 5

   Step 5: Ask the other part to step back

   The part that felt annoyed or scared is trying to protect you. Thank it. Ask if it will give you a little room, just for now. Wait for its answer. Never push or argue. Parts cooperate when they feel understood, not when they are forced.

   You can try:

   1. 1)Tell it you hear it and that its worry matters.
   2. 2)Ask what would help it feel safe enough to step back. Do what it asks in your imagination.
   3. 3)Tell it that it can come back at any time.

   • If it steps back, go to step 6.
   • If it will not step back, tell it "You're safe, there's no rush, I'm here" and ask what would help it feel calmer. Do that in your imagination and give it a minute. Ask again, then go to step 5.

   Try asking

   • "What do you need from me so you can step back for a few minutes?"
   • "Can you watch from the side while I get to know the other part?"

   If it feels hard

   If it won't step back

   • You can listen to it first. Use the questions in step 6, but ask them to this part. Then come back to step 4.
   • Breathe slowly, give it a minute and ask again. If you need a rest, you can pause and come back whenever you like.
6. 6

   Step 6: Listen to the part

   Treat the part like someone you have just met. Ask gently, then wait for words, feelings or pictures. Don't argue with it. Any answer counts, even "I don't know" or silence. Write down what you hear. Also ask how old it is.

   What its age can tell you:

   1. 1)Older than about 12. It is often a protector, a part that works hard to keep you safe.
   2. 2)Younger. It is often a tender part that carries hurt. Go gently.
   3. 3)It doesn't know its age. It may be blended with you. Ask it to separate and stand a little apart from you.

   • If you get an answer, go to step 7.
   • If you get nothing, slow down. Breathe out long, feel your feet on the floor and tell the part there is no rush. Give it a minute and ask again, then go to step 6.

   Try asking

   • "What would you like me to know about you?"
   • "How old are you?"
   • "How long have you been around?"
   • "What do you do for me day to day?"

   If it feels hard

   If the answers feel made up

   • Notice if the answers feel like kind curiosity or like your thinking mind guessing. Either is fine. Just note which it is.
   • Go slower and leave more space between your questions.
   • If it stays quiet, you can go on to step 7 and ask about its job instead.
7. 7

   Step 7: Ask about its job and its worry

   Parts that cause trouble are usually trying to protect you, even when their way is clumsy. Ask what job the part thinks it has. Ask what it fears would happen if it stopped. Then ask if it is also protecting another part, one that feels hurt or young. Thank it for working so hard.

   • If it is protecting a hurt part and will let you meet it, greet that part kindly and ask what it needs you to know. Keep it short, then go to step 8.
   • If it is protecting a part but will not let you meet it, go to step 9.
   • If it is not protecting another part, go to step 8.
   • If it will not talk, or does not trust you, tell it "You're safe, there's no rush, I'm here" and that you are only here to listen. Ask what would help it feel calmer and do that in your imagination. Give it a minute, then go to step 7.

   Try asking

   • "What are you trying to do for me?"
   • "What are you worried would happen if you didn't do this?"
   • "Are you protecting another part of me?"
   • "How is it for you to do this job?"

   If it feels hard

   If it won't talk or distrusts you

   • That is okay. Tell it you are only here to listen and you won't try to change it today.
   • A part may be wary because it has been ignored before. Thank it, slow your breathing, give it a minute, then ask one small question again.
8. 8

   Step 8: Check for other worries

   Ask if any other part has a worry about what you are doing. Listen to it the same way you did in step 6. Respecting these worries keeps the exercise steady.

   • If another part speaks up, listen to it, then come back to this step.
   • If no other part speaks up, go to step 9.
   • If something tender or very young stirs, slow down. Breathe out long, rest a hand on your chest and tell it "You're safe, there's no rush, I'm here". Give it a minute, then go to step 9.

   Try asking

   • "Is any part of me nervous about this exercise?"
   • "Does anything need to happen before I go on?"

   If it feels hard

   If something painful or younger stirs

   • Say hello with respect: "I see you are here. I'm not going to push in today." You don't need to go further.
   • Working with deeply hurt parts, old memories and heavy burdens is for a trained IFS therapist. Please don't do that part alone.
9. 9

   Step 9: Ask what it needs

   Go back to the part you started with. Ask if it would like something small from you, like rest, more reassurance, or a different job for a while. Offer one real thing you can do this week. Only offer what you will do. Always win its help with kindness and patience, never force.

   If it holds back, you can try:

   1. 1)Ask what would help it feel comfortable, and do what it says in your imagination.
   2. 2)If a strong feeling is in the way, ask that feeling to step aside and speak on its own. Ask for its help too.
   3. 3)Ask if it would rather do something other than its current job. Most parts say yes. Offer a short trial it can undo. If the new job doesn't work, it can go back to the old one.

   • Once it agrees to something, or you have made your offer, go to step 10.
   • If it will not agree, thank it for its honesty. Slow your breathing, tell it it is safe and there is no rush, and ask what would help it feel calmer. Do that in your imagination and give it a minute. Ask again, then go to step 9.

   Try asking

   • "What would help you feel a little more at ease?"
   • "Is there one small thing I could do for you this week?"
   • "Would you like a different job, as a short trial?"

   If it feels hard

   If it asks for something unrealistic

   • You can say, "I can't promise that, but here is what I can do." Small, honest offers build more trust than big ones.
   • It is fine to say you will think it over.
10. 10

    Step 10: Let go and take in

    If the part is willing, ask if it will hand its heavy job over to you, or put down the heavy feelings it has been carrying. Let them go in whatever way comes, such as a breath or setting them down in your mind. Then ask what good feeling it would like to take in instead, such as calm, safety or trust. Whatever it picks is fine.

    • When it feels finished, go to step 11.
    • If it will not let go yet, that is fine, don't push. Tell it it is safe and there is no rush, let it keep what it needs for now, and take a slow breath, then go to step 11.

    Try asking

    • "Are you willing to put down what you have been carrying?"
    • "What would you like to take in instead?"

    If it feels hard

    If heavy feelings rise too strongly

    • Slow down: a long breath out, a hand on your chest, feet on the floor. Tell the part "You're safe, there's no rush, I'm here". When it settles, go on to step 11.
    • A part may not be ready to let go. Let it keep what it needs for now.
11. 11

    Step 11: Close and ground

    Thank the part, and any other parts that spoke. Tell them you will check in again and they don't need to do anything right now. Look around the room and notice the sounds and light. Feel your feet on the floor and take three slow breaths. Open your eyes, stretch and drink some water. Write down what you want to remember. You are done.

    Try asking

    • "What do I want to remember from this?"
    • "Do I feel steady enough to go back to my day?"

    If it feels hard

    If you still feel stirred up

    • Name five things you can see, four you can touch and three you can hear. Run cold water over your hands, or step outside.
    • Move your body gently with a short walk or a stretch, and talk with someone you trust.
    • If the feeling stays strong, keep calming it: slow breaths, cold water on your hands, a short walk. Talking it over with a licensed therapist can also help.